Toxic Justice!

I recently watched the 1984 B-movie “classic” The Toxic Avenger. I had heard about this film for a long time, and had always wanted to see it.

This was due largely to its cult status and its ever-bitchin’ cover art. Also, it has not one, but two great tag lines to boot: “Criminals, beware of the Toxic Avenger. He will kick your butt HARD!!” and “The first Super-Hero… from New Jersey!”

The film follows health club mop boy Melvin as he is repeatedly mistreated and abused by four hedonistic, contemptuous, vain and randomly murderous health club members. These douches and their wicked girlfriends pick on Melvin at the health club by day (don’t they have anywhere else to go?) and kill random innocent people with their car by night.

On one particular night, the friends manage to hit an old lady with a walker AND a little boy on his bicycle. Why you might ask? ‘Cause they’re bastards dammit! No time to explain.

Anyway, these pricks end up pulling one final prank on poor Melvin, which ends with him falling into a vat of nuclear waste (which is conveniently uncovered sitting on the back of a truck outside the health club. Some people!). And thus he becomes…The Toxic Avenger! A giant disgusting, but surprisingly well-spoken, mutation!

The next 70 minutes of the 87-minute film feature Melvin, er, the Toxic Avenger killing pretty much every bad person in town, in always inventive and amusing ways. One such dispatching features heavily armed “punks,” who decide to hold up a taco restaurant (are there no other businesses in town?), but are interrupted. By justice! (In the form of the Toxic Avenger.)

He proceeds to serve the gang leader his “just desserts,” literally, by holding him down, making a fudge sundae on his face (including cherry) and then sticking his head in the ice cream mixer. Oh the irony.

But the Toxic Avenger isn’t just a disfigured killer (for justice), he’s also a sweet and caring lover as well. He meets a conveniently blind (what woman could look such a monster in the eye, let alone go to third base with one?) blonde bombshell, and they fall in love.

But all of this is interrupted when… On second thought, I won’t spoil it for you.

But I must say that while I often find cult B-movie type films like this to be highly disappointing, I couldn’t help but open my heart to this one. It’s a near-perfect “so-bad-it’s-surprisingly-awesome” film.

So if you’re looking for a film about caring for those who are different than you (except bad people—they can burn), with all the romance, adventure, charisma and high-caliber acting you expect from a Hollywood blockbuster, this may not be your film.

But if you’re looking for anything else, this’ll probably fit perfectly.