Ian Kelly Killed My Baby

The following are excerpts from the new album Speak Your Mind by Montreal pop singer/songwriter Ian Kelly

“Complicated”

“I remember when we met/ How you saved me from debt/ You rerouted me from certain death/ So I gave my life to you/ We’re expecting number two”

-OK, let’s talk about that last line. “Expecting number two”? Ian, those three words should never be in any song. Unless you’re a member of the Bloodhound Gang, in which case you’re not being nearly gross enough. I’m sure you’re probably talking about your “number two” child, but you really should have read this over before releasing it on an album. Just a thought.

“Brown”

“Brown, is a beautiful sound/ It’s a wonderful town/ Would you sing something pretty/ In my ear/ Would you kiss me o so gently/ While I’m here/ Will you save your kind?”

-Seriously, none of these words make any sense when used together. “Brown, is a beautiful sound”? First, what’s with the unnecessary comma? You wrote a statement. No comma required. Second, brown is not a sound, end of story. Also, that last line has no place here. “Will you save your kind”? What exactly are you asking Ian? Is she a panda? Whatever she is, that question still makes not a lick of sense. Not a lick.

“Wonderful Humans”

“The end is just around the corner/ We leave nothing/ No bright future/ If I’m not screwing you, what else am I gonna do…”

-I’m guessing this song is about people fucking up the earth, since he spends nearly the entirety of the earlier verses bluntly moaning as such. But that final line (which is the last line of the song) is probably the dumbest question I’ve ever been sort-of asked. “If I’m not screwing you, what else am I gonna do” Ian? If you have to ask, then maybe you should just refrain from “screwing” anything. At least until you get your priorities straightened out.

“The Sea”

“I can change, but nothing that I do will scare away that crow/ It is strange, daddy’s little girl is really learning slow”

-I know you really felt the need to find something that rhymed with “slow,” but “crow”? That makes no sense in this song. This song is about your wife leaving you, using the tired analogy of a “ship at sea” to describe your relationship troubles. And then a crow shows up out of nowhere. Do you know anything about seabirds Ian? Crows aren’t amongst them, last time I checked. Helpful note: if you can’t find an appropriate word to rhyme with “slow,” perhaps you should stop trying to make everything rhyme. It ain’t workin’.

“Angel”

“So many words come from my eyes/ You’ll brush, and floss/ You better roll the stone before it gathers moss/ And we’ll catch and toss”

-I count four rhyming “oss” words here. That’s two too many. Seriously, you’re singing about your baby girl here, and you decide to reflect upon the future of her oral hygiene? Oh, and FYI, words come from mouths, not eyes.

“Triste”

“You seemed glad, I changed colour/ Where were you forever/ You’ve always said never”

-Again with the horrendously incoherent questions. “Where were you forever”? What on earth does that mean? What on earth could a plausible answer even be to that?

“Your Eyes”

“Close to see the beauty in the spheres/ Am I fading after all these years/ Leave me for dead/ And I’m glad I did/ Like an eBay bid”

-“Like an eBay bid”?? Ian, are you saying your break up with your “lover” was like an online auction? What does that even mean? Also, how much are you asking for her? Are the two kids included in the price?