Worthlessly shilling worthless products

Recently, I received six months of free television as part of a promotion from my cable provider.

At first, I wasn’t even going to accept it.

It seemed like a big hassle for not that much payoff. Then I thought to myself: I’m almost as cheap as I am lazy, so why not give it a shot?

Over the past few days, I’ve experienced something akin to culture shock from watching it.

It’s not the shows themselves that are throwing me for a loop – as I would usually steal the ones I enjoy off of the Internet anyway – it’s the commercials that have been messing with my head.

How stupid do they think people are? And who are the people who are actually dumb enough to be convinced by these commercials?

I mean, it stands to reason that if companies are paying big bucks to put these ads on television, then they must be seeing some kind of return from doing so.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe these paid actors hocking their shoddy wares are actually convincing and I am in the minority for thinking they are completely ridiculous.

Maybe if I watch enough TV, they’ll start to convince me, too. Or maybe people aren’t convinced by all the bullshit and are simply buying the products advertised because we live in a consumer culture and buying things is what good consumers do.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that all commercials on television are stupid and horrible; I’m just saying that most commercials on television are stupid and horrible. Something around 95 per cent of them are completely void of reason or an even mildly convincing argument.

So that got me to thinking: I know how to shoot and edit video… maybe I should start making my own products and commercials for them, so I can make a bunch of money and continue being lazy and cheap.

Based on some of the stupid products on TV, it might just be that easy.

I’ve made a list of potential products that I plan to begin marketing as soon as possible.

I’ve already begun with one called the Bean Boggler (check out the commercial on my YouTube page: http://www.youtube.com/user/jWilliamez), but there are a bunch of other great products that could bring in some serious cash, given the right commercial.

For example, Taco Grande for Men – a taco-flavoured shampoo that promotes both healthy hair and deliciousness – is one that I think has a lot of potential.

Roofagra, a pill which is half roofie and half Viagra, can take care of all your potential Cougar needs.

And finally, last and most certainly least, a moustache comb/coke spoon called the Groom and Blow.

Aren’t you tired of having to carry around a moustache comb AND a coke spoon? Now, your worries are over, with the Groom and Blow!

If you see any of these commercials in the next year or so, please do me a huge favour: turn off your brain and buy, buy, buy!

J. Williamez aims high.

Published in Volume 65, Number 23 of The Uniter (March 17, 2011)

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