Someone once said: “All I really need to know, I learned in kindergarten.” This week, I’d like to talk about why whoever said that is an idiot.

Sure, I admit I learned some useful things in kindergarten, like the importance of sharing and junk like that. I also learned a bunch of stuff that, were I to base my life on it, I’d be a pretty dysfunctional person. At least, I would be more dysfunctional than I already am.

Kindergarten was the first place I was introduced to “smelly” markers. So one of the first things I learned in kindergarten was that sniffing markers is awesome.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I like to get high as much as the next guy, but there are classier ways to accomplish this than by huffing markers. Most of these other methods I didn’t learn until high school or university. Take that, kindergarten.

Another thing I learned in kindergarten was that if you shit your pants, someone will clean it up for you and tell you that it’s OK. I have since learned (the hard way) that this is no longer the case. I do have it on good authority, however, that if I am to survive for another 30 years or so, people will once again be willing to clean up my shit and tell me it’s OK – but that’s still a long way off.

Another thing that I learned in kindergarten was how to relate to the opposite sex. I learned that the best way to tell a girl that you like her is to pull her pigtails. In the adult world, and between strangers, this is commonly referred to as assault.

So let’s take an account of what we’ve learned so far: Living by the life lessons learned in kindergarten will lead you to becoming a substance-abusing, shit-covered, violent offender.

Having so far looked at how what we learned in kindergarten can steer us down the wrong path, it will probably be helpful to look at how what we didn’t learn can mess us up almost equally.

If none of us had any skills other than the ones we learned in kindergarten, the world would be a pretty different place. None of us would drive, cook, read, manufacture designer furniture or, most importantly, have sex. It may be a coincidence, but history seems to show that the most successful societies are ones in which people have sex with each other.

This brings me to the main point. Just because someone says something cute and a bunch of office ladies repeat it to each other does not make it true. So the next time someone says something idiotic like “all I really need to know, I learned in kindergarten,” shit your pants and pull their hair and see what they do.

Chances are they won’t clean you up and date you. But if they do, don’t let them get away. They’re a keeper.

If J. Williamez seems nostalgic about kindergarten, that’s because he is. Check him out every Wednesday at Shannon’s Irish Pub.