How much sex should you be having?

If you consulted North American television, movies, music and magazines to determine the ideal amount, the conclusion would be:

All of the sex.

All of the time.

Having a highly active sex life is the new having a lot of money.

Prized even higher than expensive cars and handbags.

And while I wouldn’t consult him on relationship advice, George Michael was correct in stating: “Sex is natural, sex is fun.”

Of course we seek out sex. Our species’ survival depends on it.

However, popular culture has prized not just a healthy sex life, but a high-octane sex life for so long, it has built a system of shaming for the less active.

Watch any sit-com where a “bro” asks another “bro” over beers:

“How long has it been?”

The clearly embarrassed bro
responds with:

“Three months.”

And bro number one spits beer five feet in shock, demanding to know:

“How do you live?”

The pressure isn’t just on men. Though women tend to be prescribed sex by sassy rom-com friends who proclaim after their friends’ angry outburst:

“She needs to get laid.”

Sadly, this get some, get some, get some attitude, for those not currently getting some, can lead to feelings of inadequacy, or feeling like an outsider. It could lead a, perhaps, less self-assured person to subconsciously seek out and take on sex partners they normally wouldn’t. Or to have sex before they’re physically or emotionally ready.

But there’s an even more destructive effect, the breeding of an attitude of that we are somehow owed sex.

The tragic example of this being 22-year-old Elliot Rodger, who, in 2014, shot and stabbed multiple men and women at the University of Santa Barbara before killing himself. The YouTube video he released that day blamed women for not sleeping with him and the “obnoxious brutes” they
choose instead.

Nowhere in his disturbing speech does he say he wants love, affection or connection. He only wants to cease being a virgin and finally have all of the sex that everyone else seems to get, thereby reducing women to mere sexual stamps to collect for his own ego.

Though Rodger’s is an extreme case, he clearly bought what our media is selling him, that one must meet a sexual quota like a car salesman or be marked as worthless.

A constantly active sex life is an illusion.

The state of sexual inactivity happens to almost everyone, except maybe professional athletes

You’re taking a break from dating.

You’re dealing with some personal or emotional issues.

You’re busy with work and/or school and don’t have a lot of time to socialize.

Let’s just stop putting a scoreboard over our crotches.

Sex will happen when two people want and agree to have it. If that doesn’t happen? Oh well. What’s happening in the news today?

If it doesn’t happen for a while? Live your life and your sex life will follow.

Jane Testar is a writer and performer with the Winnipeg sketch comedy troupe, Hot Thespian Action, an improviser with local improv troupe, Outside Joke, and the host of the CBC Comedy Factory Podcast.

Published in Volume 69, Number 21 of The Uniter (February 18, 2015)