It’s that time of year again.

That time when the first snow falls and people forget how to drive.

That time when your wallet starts to hurt in anticipation of Christmas.

That time - if you’re feeling charitable and adventurous - to grow a greasy moustache.

For those unfamiliar, I’m talking about Movember - a month-long awareness campaign for prostate cancer and men’s mental health.

Since its 2003 inception in Australia, the Movember Foundation - which donates money every year to fund research for the two causes - has been encouraging men around the globe to grow a moustache, or “mo,” for the cause.

After an unfortunate shaving accident last year (by which I mean I’m stupid and I forgot), I was unable to cultivate my mo for the entire month.

Fortunately, this year I have extra motivation: I’m part of a Movember Team.

I signed up on Movember Canada to post updates and pictures of my moustache in hopes that my lip-crust will generate donations to the Foundation.

To date, I’ve raised $76 by appealing for donations on social networking websites.

Compared to the rest of my team, I’m doing exceptionally well - but I remain unsatisfied.

Let’s be clear, here: almost $100 in donations is nothing to shake a stick at.

And I appreciate everyone who has donated to me.

But that $76 dollars is from six donations.

Last I checked, I have more than six followers on Twitter.

And I’m sure that I have more than six friends on Facebook. Hell, some of my Facebook friends have organized charitable events themselves.

But have they donated? No.

Some of my other friends are growing their own moustaches, independent of the Movember Foundation, to “raise awareness.”

But will they donate? No.

How can it be that people who know about the cause - and even participate in it - won’t even give up $1?

It can’t be just my friends, either; I’m leading my team in donations.

Maybe I’m too focused on the money aspect. Maybe raising awareness is enough.

Surely if I can’t get people to donate, I can teach people about why I’m doing it.

Nope.

Almost everyone who commented on my moustache already knew about Movember.

In fact, since I started growing this abomination, I’ve been asked only once about what its purpose is.

I find this especially odd, since I look like a complete idiot.

I’m starting to think that my success has nothing to do with my moustache, and everything to do with my persistence.

I have an ugly, half-grown lip ferret on my face. I don’t look trustworthy, my lip itches and my girlfriend avoids kissing me like the plague.

I’ve had to pester six people into donating, and I’ve “promoted awareness” to exactly one person.
Screw this.

The Movember Foundation can have my support, my awareness efforts and my donations.

Next year, though, I’m shaving my upper lip.

Riley McDonald is a third-year rhetoric student, and looks horrible with a moustache.

Published in Volume 67, Number 12 of The Uniter (November 21, 2012)