Newspapers are going to shit. It’s no secret – we all know it’s true.

Readership is down, therefore ad revenues are down. And with an ever-increasing number of alternate sources of information like free news websites, the newspaper industry is going to have to do something if it wants to pull itself up by its ink-stained bootstraps.

The other day, I picked up a local newspaper (I won’t mention which one, but it was of the low-brow variety, and its name rhymes with “The Flinnipleg Sklun”).

As I leafed through its pages (admittedly searching for the underfed bikini girl), I noticed that this particular paper seemed almost entirely composed of advertisements.

Although I understand the need to generate ad revenue for the paper, these very ads are the reason why I will never buy this shitty rag of fish wrapper, and would only read it if someone were to hold a gun to my cat’s head.

All this got me thinking: what if there was some way to use the ad space to generate the same amount of revenue without inundating people with stupid ugly ads?

Then I had one of those moments when you realize you are way smarter than all of your stupid friends, because they could never save newspapers like you’re about to.

I submit that newspapers could make the same amount of money with the same amount of advertising space, while not annoying anyone with stupid ads for furniture stores.

“ I would read the shit out of a paper like that! Imagine: something from the media that makes you feel good about yourself!

It’s simply a matter of changing the content of the ads.

It seems that it would be hard to resist reading a newspaper with a huge ad on the front page that says: “You have beautiful eyes.”

And how could you be angry about having to flip through a paper like a Choose Your Own Adventure book because of the placement of an ad that says, “You read a lot and are very smart. Also, you have a big dink or you have lost weight, depending on your gender.”

I would read the shit out of a paper like that! Imagine: something from the media that makes you feel good about yourself!

Such a paper would never have to advertise again – they would make all the money they need through subscriptions alone. I would buy a subscription entirely for the ads and have to skim through the lousy articles to get to them.

Readership would go way up, and the newspaper industry would carry me around on their shoulders chanting my name and what have you.

But I guess that’s just my opinion.

Maybe I’m alone in being annoyed by all the ads in today’s newspapers and magazines.

Maybe most people really enjoy reading publications that are so saturated with ads that they look like the last four pages of Hustler.

J. Williamez tried pitching this idea to The Uniter. We told him to stick to writing columns.

Published in Volume 65, Number 21 of The Uniter (March 3, 2011)