Re: The Oct. 15, 2009 issue of The Uniter

My imaginary friend Admiral Frazzlepants and I read your latest issue and I can say, without a doubt, that it was just as terrible as always.

If the issues listed below are not addressed immediately, you will force me to not only boycott your publication, but also every other piece of print media in existence. Do you want to be responsible for bankrupting the entire newspaper and magazine industry? I have a very sizable hamster farm and use a LOT of paper.

You guys are sooooooo biased. There was an entire article about how terrible Vinay Iyer was at being a member of the UWSA board of directors, but you fail to mention even one of the literally hundreds of terrible board members that the UWSA has had in the past and will have in the future.

The way political commentary is supposed to work is that you present two sides to every argument, even if no rational person would hold such opinions and no one who chooses to write for your paper feels that way about an issue. This way we get a false sense of balance and can call the middle ground (some war, some environmental destruction, etc.) the moderate position.

Just because you call yourselves the “University of Winnipeg’s Weekly Urban Journal,” and are mandated to serve the interests of the student body at U of W and the local downtown community, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have reporters stationed in every town, village and hamlet from here to Churchill. Stuff happens other places too, you know. Like bake sales and antique car parades. That’s what students really want to read about.

I am deeply offended by the amount of ink wasted on articles about “the arts.” Do you know who practices “the arts”? Satanists, that’s who. So I wouldn’t expect anything less from the coven of blaspheming buggerers that your piddling little rag harbours.

Art leads to questioning and questions lead to slow dancing. Do you want to be responsible for corrupting an entire generation of innocent university students? Obviously, you do.

The local music scene does not require your support. Maybe they wouldn’t be struggling musicians if they spent a little less money on getting “trippy” with “giggle weed” and invested in Auto-Tune software.

Nobody wants to hear what real instruments and the raw human voice sounds like any more. Give me artifice or give me death.

Sports are the most important thing in the whole world. That goes double for the Olympics. Who cares if a few wildlife preserves have to get destroyed and thousands of impoverished Vancouverites have to get displaced from their already substandard dwellings? And who cares if every other Canadian newspaper and magazine already covers the Olympics ad nauseum?

Olympic news has to be everywhere I look because if it isn’t then I lose that patriotic feeling that helps me forget my own sad, pathetic and inconsequential existence.

I expect much more professionalism from amateur volunteer writers.

A danger to myself and others,
Rob McGregor

P.S. J. Williamez is hilarious. We should be together.

– Rob McGregor

Published in Volume 64, Number 8 of The Uniter (October 22, 2009)