Being the keen observer of the human condition that I am, I’ve noticed a pretty interesting correlation in our society between two really amazing things: puppies and boobs.
This probably sounds strange, so let me explain.
When a female human (otherwise known as a woman or girl) sees a puppy, she becomes very excited.
That’s just a fact. In and of itself, this is not that interesting. We’ve all walked by the pet store in the mall – it’s not like the girls in those pet stores are keeping their “excited to see the puppies” cards close to their chest.
Male humans (otherwise known as men, boys or brosephs), on the other hand, can only reach this same level of super excitement when they are presented with a pair of boobs.
I wondered for a long time what boobs and puppies had in common, why they should be the two most powerful visual stimuli for men and women respectively.
I decided to spend my life savings (that I had previously been saving to buy a waterbed shaped like a pirate ship) and hire a team of world-class scientists and psychiatrists to study exactly why they both triggered such strong responses in us.
Here’s what my super expensive dream team of smart people came up with.
Men are attracted to boobs because boobs represent their very first experience of nurture and care.
Men have an unconscious connection to this feeling of being loved and cared for when they look at boobs, which causes them to swell with happiness and get “all riled up.” This “riling up” occurs in the limbic system in the brain, which controls emotions and which comprises the hippocampus and the amygdala.
We still don’t know why women like puppies so much, but a little context might help.
Immediately after my team of scientists and psychiatrists deduced why men love boobs, I ran out of money and asked my team if they would work for free. Needless to say, their research findings suffered from that point on.
Even if I can’t afford to find out why women love puppies so much, there is one thing I do know: if anyone were to ever want to do something nutty like enslave the entire human race, all they would need to do is use the wonders of science to create a breed of puppies with boobs.
Neither men nor women could ever resist an army of puppies with boobs, all adorable and nipple-y.
Some of you may be thinking, “Wow, J. Williamez, you’re an idiot. I’m a woman, and I don’t like puppies at all! What do you have to say to that?”
To any of you who were actually thinking that, one out of 10 guys don’t like boobs either.
When you consider that these one out of 10 men will probably lose their shit even more than most of the women, the truth becomes clear.
With a little bit of creative genetic engineering, the women who don’t like puppies will rule the world.
J. Williamez has applied for government funding to continue such ground-breaking research.