“It was very much about our friendship. A way for us to hang out that seemed normal. Because, we weren’t in a romantic relationship, but we were flying all over the country for each other. So, if you’re not romancing someone you’d better be working on some kind of project. Otherwise it’s just really weird for them to show up at your house...” 
- Carrie Brownstein on making the TV show Portlandia with Fred Armisen.

When I said I wanted to write a piece about friendship for Valentine’s Day, a lot of people were kind of confused by the idea. Why make a big fuss about friendship?

It’s interesting how much time, expense and heartache is poured into our romantic relationships (or lack thereof). It can be really difficult to meet people who you click with, and when the stars align for two people it is pretty spectacular. But take sex and a mortgage out of the equation and a couple suddenly becomes less valuable.

Spend your nights watching Netflix with your bestie and you’ll probably get teased about it. Do the exact same thing with someone whose mouth ended up on your mouth and you might eventually get rewarded with an expensive party and a crockpot.

After the schoolyard novelty of inviting someone to your birthday party has worn off, the only chance to put your friends on a pedestal in an official way involves marriage or babies. Well, unless you count making each other your emergency contact at work.

So I sought out some of my favourite people and asked them about their platonic romances, hoping to prove that love should be cultivated in whatever form it finds you in.

***

THE FRIEND ZONE

Sometimes saying “I want to be your friend” can be considered the worst kind of insult. People have trouble wrapping their brain around platonic interactions with the opposite sex.

Luckily for Leah Borchert and Andrew Vineberg, they’ve never felt that kind of pressure. Their solid bond was formed when they met in an acting class, and although Borchert was originally “completely weirded out by him”, the two eventually found that they could confide in one another easily.

Some have mistaken them for a couple, but the two feel more like siblings than anything else, and their friendship has helped them out in the dating department.

“Andrew was actually the first of my friends to meet my boyfriend,” says Borchert enthusiastically. “He has always been really encouraging of my dating people. He’s the friend I go to when I just want someone to get really excited about my romantic involvements.”

THE BROMANCE

“We always sort of flinch at this bromance buzzword that’s come up. There’s no equivalent for women, because it’s not weird if women are friends… because of this homosexual terror that straight guys have, it’s ridiculous. Now there has to be this word for it, and it’s crazy. It’s totally sad.”
- Simon Pegg, filmmaker/actor, on his partnership with Nick Frost.

Quinn Greene and Andrew Lizotte would be the first to tell you they’re involved in a sexless marriage together, but that has actually been a great thing for the two of them. After some ups and downs, they’ve learned how to co-exist peacefully with another person.

After meeting through the local comedy scene, the two began “nerdgasming all over each other”, so much so that they decided to take it to the next level and become roommates.

“It’s odd, because it makes us hang out less,” Lizotte says. “We have to treat it more like a marriage, making time to hang out and check in with each other.”

Greene adds that after finding the ideal living situation for the two of them, they’ve been “laughing like newlyweds.”

Although they can get on each other’s nerves, Greene says that what makes them opposites helps him put things in perspective.

After Greene came home one night frustrated and raging about his love life, Lizotte stared at his roomie blankly, let him finish his story, and asked him about a DVD he was thinking of purchasing. Though Lizotte’s “I didn’t know what to say, so I changed the subject” conversation style can be jarring, it did force Greene to see how silly he was being about the whole thing.

“I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t better. I sure as hell wasn’t more enlightened to my situation. But I was calmer somehow,” Greene says.

THE OPEN FRIENDSHIP

Chantel Marostica, Eric Wahl and Alia Watson met working at Chop Steakhouse & Bar on Sargent Avenue.

“Alia and I are friends, but we both fight over who is Chantel’s bestie,” Wahl says.

The three joke about the bestie fights, but they seem to share an idyllic dynamic. Although Marostica is the “hub” of the friendship, she brings Watson and Wahl closer together, rather than wasting time with jealousy.

Having found balance in such a lovely situation, Marostica finds that her tight-knit friend circle prevents her from settling for less from anyone else.

“Since my last serious relationship, a very toxic, one-sided one, they’ve learned to speak up and defend me, where before they didn’t think it was their right,” Marostica says. “Nobody gets to me without their approval. Their love for me and their concern for my well being will definitely help me land a deece wife.”

THE LONG DISTANCE FRIENDSHIP

Autumn Crossman, a local comic book artist, and her Ohio-based girlfriend Jak met on the Internet. They had both joined a forum dedicated to TV show The Big Bang Theory, and they simply clicked right away. Five years later, they’re still going strong.

While many people demonize the effect that technology has had on our ability to socialize, Crossman and Jak continue to thrive in everyday life with each other’s help, despite never having met in person.

The two constantly chat, text and Skype, and have always been able to find new hobbies to bond over.

“I accidentally got Jak into hockey because it’s all I talk about lately and now with the Olympics starting we talk hockey and shit talk each other’s countries a lot,” Crossman excitedly says.

They’ve also related to each other about dating. Coming from strict religious backgrounds, they haven’t thought about romance much at this point, but echo each other when they say they want their friend to be happy, and to find a partner that respects their connection.

Not only does their friendship mean a lot, Jak says they’ve inspired others who know them as well.

“A friend of ours once wrote crack fanfiction about us as princesses. Our love healed all the land!” she says.

They have plans to meet in 2015 for the NHL All-Star Game in Columbus, Ohio.

“I’m so excited. I’m already trying to save up and psyching myself up not to cry. I’m totally going to cry,” Crossman says, gushing.

***

As I talked to all of these wonderful people and heard them say touching things about their friends, it occurred to me that they were all happy people leading great lives, single or not. And I don’t think that was a coincidence. After all, it was either Gandhi or Paul McCartney who once said: “In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

I think we’d all be a lot happier if we turned off Say Yes to the Dress and looked to the affection we already have available to us. The right friend can make you a better girl/boyfriend when the time is right, and in the meantime let’s think up some sacred rituals to honour our besties. I mean, really, who needs a piece of paper from the government to wear a dress and eat cake?

Published in Volume 68, Number 20 of The Uniter (February 13, 2014)