Over the past six years that I have worked in the restaurant industry, a large majority of my customers have been couples. I have always desired an opportunity to publicly address the etiquette of said couples when out dining among the masses.

The Uniter’s Relationship and Sex issue, coupled with the passing of the biggest restaurant event of the year (Valentine’s Day), seems to provide the perfect opportunity to do just that.

My experiences with couples have been pleasant, nightmarish, hilarious and disturbing, but either way my co-workers and myself often have stories to tell – and strong opinions on the appropriate behaviours for people who sit down at our tables.

Because seriously, all we want to do is bring you your food and maybe get you drunk: we have no interest in your private lives.

Break-ups. Why do people insist on dumping each other at restaurants? I just don’t get it, not only is it ridiculously cliché but do you know how awkward it is to take orders or drop off food when people have just broken up with each other? There is crying, yelling, drinks flying – it’s bad. I’ve seen dumpees storm out, throw fits and stick around getting loaded, racking up a HUGE bill for the dumper, but in every situation I was highly irritated at the fact that I had become a third party to the embarrassing freak-show they had publicly created. If you absolutely have to break-up with someone in a restaurant, wait until everything is finished and you have paid your bill and then go at it because at that point I really don’t care.

“ All we want to do is bring you your food and maybe get you drunk: we have no interest in your private lives.

Same-siders. Less offensive but equally annoying as the dumpers. If there are only two of you at a table you can either sit across from each other, or go home to cuddle. I don’t want to feel like I’m intruding on a private moment in your parents’ basement. Plus, there is no reason to sit side-by-side unless you are planning on also joining the ranks of the ever lame make-outers.

Now, I really shouldn’t have to tell people that it is weird and uncomfortable for servers when you have your tongue in your boyfriend’s ear, especially when the server still needs to interact with you. But it happens almost everyday. Seriously, I have no problem with public kissing: you want to give your boyfriend a smooch for buying dinner, go for it, but if the rest of the room is forced to witness tongues and tonsils and groping, or your moaning, groaning and any other guttural noises you make, you really should’ve ordered in.

Cheaters. Honestly, I don’t care about someone else’s moral deviance. Still, I hate serving cheaters for three reasons. They are always same-siders, they always make-out, and they frequently also come in with their actual spouses - on separate occasions, of course. Apparently we have a restaurant shortage in Winnipeg.

So, for the servers, let’s do our best to keep dinner PG!

Cindy Doyle is a University of Winnipeg student in the Rhetoric, Writing and Communications program.

Published in Volume 63, Number 21 of The Uniter (February 26, 2009)