I’m no doctor, butt…

This week, I’d like to take the time to talk to you all about an affliction that has taken the lives of too many modern day heroes and has to be stopped. The disease I’m speaking of is Hungry Bum Syndrome (HBS) and it’s killing more and more North Americans every year.

HBS is a genetic disorder that causes a person’s bum to develop the need for sustenance, therefore causing the bum to become “hungry.”

Stage One HBS can be managed relatively easily. With the application of lotions and by dropping the occasional rice cracker or baby carrot down the back of one’s undergarments, a person with HBS can lead a relatively normal life.

In Stage Two of HBS, the symptoms become more apparent.

The bum becomes so hungry that it actually begins to eat the person’s pants. We’ve all seen victims of Stage Two HBS on the bus or at the local Mall-Wart, but sadly, few of us understand exactly what these people are going through. This ignorance can lead to harmful misconceptions about sufferers of HBS.

Believe it or not, I am a prime example of this.

Before I learned about HBS I always assumed that people who let their jogging pants ride up that far into their own asses in public had simply given up on life.

Now, I know better. These people live their entire lives in a constant struggle to feed their hungry bums.

In the final stage of HBS, Stage Three, the bum actually consumes and devours the person from the outside in.

The process mirrors very closely the implosion of a star, as the person seems to implode in on his or herself, leaving nothing but a dense, brown hole.

Many people in the late stages of HBS speak openly about looking forward to this event, as by the end of Stage Two, the person’s bum will be consuming upwards of sixty pounds of food and pants per day.

Although there is no cure for HBS, scientists are making tremendous advances in determining exactly what types of foods and pants bums are the most hungry for.

They have determined, for example, that most bums prefer sweat pants and corn dogs.

Though this information is incredibly interesting, it sadly does not help the sufferers of HBS in any way. And they are dying at an alarming rate.

In Canada, for example, the number of deaths attributed to HBS doubled in 2009, when compared to 2008.

That may sound hard to believe, but it is literally a scientific fact that if you take the number of deaths from HBS in Canada in 2008 and multiply it by two, the result is the exact number of deaths from HBS in 2009.

If that sounds alarming to you, then wait until you hear this: that number is expected to triple in 2010, and the trend is showing no signs of slowing down.

HBS gives new meaning to the term “potty mouth.”

Published in Volume 65, Number 14 of The Uniter (December 2, 2010)

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