Hey God, what the fuck?

Hello, dear readers. Because I love you all so much, and because it is my Christian duty to help whomever I can, I’ve decided to use this week’s column to post a letter to God.

It contains some suggestions about how to improve on humans and on nature in general.

My hope is that He will take at least one or two of these suggestions into consideration and the world can be a slightly better place.

Dear God,

Hi, it’s me, J. Williamez. I know we don’t really talk that much (or ever, really), but I decided to write you this letter to let you know that you’re doing a really great job.

I also wanted to give some suggestions on how to do an even better job.

1) People should have eyes on their hands. This way, people could look around corners during gunfights without having to expose their heads to harmful gunfire.

2) Instead of making healthy food taste like shit and harmful food taste awesome, why not make all food taste awesome and shit taste like shit.

3) Enough with the cancer.

4) Can you please make people in Winnipeg stop talking about the fucking Jets?

5) Why not make cat’s poop dog food and dog’s poop cat food? That might be neat.

My hope is that God will take at least one or two of these suggestions into consideration and the world can be a slightly better place

6) Maybe you could try making poor people without faces, so I don’t have to look them in the eye when I’m not giving them change or when I’m getting mad at them for putting their gross, dirty squeegees all over my clean windshield–even though I clearly waved to indicate that I didn’t want them to clean my window and that I had absolutely no change on me, even though I probably had like $12 in loonies.

7) If you don’t want us to masturbate or have lots of unmarried sex, why not make both feel less awesome? I mean, that’s kind of a prick move, don’t you think? Make something for us to do that feels absolutely phenomenal and then send us to burn in hell for actually doing it. That’s like handing a kid an ice cream cone and then beating him for eating it. Real classy, God. Real classy.

8) Please make unicorns happen.

9) Can you also please go back in time and take Jar Jar Binks out of the first Star Wars? I know it’ll still be bad, but at least then I could watch it and still look at myself in the mirror afterwards.

10) I don’t know if You know this or not, but people are killing each other over You – about whether or not You exist, and just what kind of God You are. How about poking Your head out for a couple of minutes to settle the debate and save a few million lives? No? How about an email? Maybe we could Skype?

11) Lastly, and definitely most importantly, can you please make someone start marketing “cereal milk” so that I don’t have to eat an entire bowl of cereal every goddamn time I’m thirsty for cereal milk?

Thanks God!

J. Williamez is available for one-on-one spiritual consultations.

Published in Volume 65, Number 24 of The Uniter (March 24, 2011)

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