The evolution of a species is a peculiar thing. Each species evolves and mutates over millions of years, adapting and becoming more suited to its particular environment. Seen from a global perspective, this process of adaptation seems to be fluid and relatively constant. However, examined more closely, evolution takes on a different face altogether.

The process of evolution is actually made up entirely of small sudden mutations, which affect specific individuals and which are in no way fluid or constant at all. Therefore, evolution is actually a series of small changes in the individuals of a species which over time spread and become part of the species as a whole.

I think that it is about time we as human beings begin such a change. I think it is time that we humans stop peeing in plastic bottles and throwing them beside the highway. This is an absolutely disgusting practice that is no way necessary and I think we could be a little more proud of ourselves if we simply stopped doing it.

“ They maintain that these little cocoons of pee-stink aren’t really a problem because the government cleans them using prison labour.

I’ve spoken to people who defend the practice by pointing to the fact that it’s done by truckers who get paid by the kilometre and don’t have time to stop and pee. To me, this explanation holds no water (pun intended). Getting paid by the unit of work as opposed to the hour is not an excuse to spread one’s bodily waste all over the highway where others will inevitably have to pick it up. When I was younger I had a paper route, but I’m pretty sure that the fact that I was paid by the paper would not have excused me were I caught by my neighbour dropping a deuce on his lawn. Nor should it excuse a trucker that he or she is paid by the kilometre.

Some people disagree with my position on completely different grounds. They maintain that these little cocoons of pee-stink aren’t really a problem because the government cleans them using prison labour. This type of thinking is misguided, in my opinion, for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, it’s not as though picking up bottles of pee is the only thing prisoners can do. If prisoners weren’t busy collecting trucker pee, they could be better put to use working in day-cares or doing colonoscopies. Secondly, I think it is very detrimental to recidivism rates to force people to pick up trucker pee. If there were anything that could make me angry enough to vow to commit another crime, it would be being forced to pick up bottles of pee.

So the next time you’re driving cross-continent and you get the urge to drain it into a bottle and toss it out the window, just remember you are personally responsible for holding back the entire human species and ask yourself if it’s really worth it. Then, with any luck, all that thinking will cause you to become dizzy and you will drive your truck off a ravine.

J. Williamez sings about all kinds of bodily functions Wednesday nights at Shannon’s Irish Pub.

Published in Volume 64, Number 3 of The Uniter (September 17, 2009)