Atheism vs. atheism

In order to stick with the theme of this week’s Uniter, I’d like to talk about something very near and dear to my own heart: religion.

Like most people, I take religion very seriously. I make a conscious effort to never let the fact that I happen to be an atheist get in the way of how I choose to embrace my faith.

I take part in all the classic atheist holidays and traditions: Every Christmas, I open presents. Every Easter I eat chocolate eggs. And every single Sunday morning, I stay home and don’t go to church. (I haven’t missed a Sunday in years).

I have to admit, being an atheist is pretty great. Aside from all the awesome unmarried sex (and guilt-free masturbating), atheism gives me the freedom to do things like party and write for student papers during time that would otherwise be taken up by prayer and not masturbating.

The only thing that is really lacking in atheism as a way of life is the drama.

Every single Sunday morning, I stay home and don’t go to church. I haven’t missed a Sunday in years

There’s never any in the atheist’s world. Christians and Muslims and Jews have all this great tension that has been going on for millennia, but for some reason atheists seem perfectly content to simply believe what they believe without starting any wars or persecuting anyone else for their beliefs.

How fucking boring is that?

This is why I’m starting a campaign to create some divisive tension in the atheist world. My eventual goal is to start an all-out war between the atheists who think the notion of god is silly and the atheists who think the notion of god is ridiculous.

I think a war such as this would really spice things up and make being an atheist exciting again. Once there was some competition between atheist sects, each one could start recruiting members to help fight the war.

One way atheists could recruit members is by forming and promoting a bunch of atheist rock bands. Such bands are a dime a dozen and will help convince kids that atheism is cool and hip. Kids will believe anything.

Then, to convince the new recruits that they’re doing the right thing by joining up, we could all meet once a week. (Sunday mornings are out because of all the hangovers common among atheists, so maybe Wednesdays.)

At these meetings we could all pat each other on the back for being such good atheists and pretend to care about non-atheists. Maybe we could even send recruiters out wearing ties in groups of two to go door-to-door spreading the good godless word.

When each side is big enough, we can have an all-out war between the atheists to see who’s right.

The only thing holding us back right now is Richard Dawkins. As long as he’s around, it’ll be tough to divide the atheists.

The one thing that really unites atheists as a group right now is that we all hate that pompous prick.

J. Williamez would like to volunteer for a non-combat role in the hypothetical atheist war.

Published in Volume 65, Number 9 of The Uniter (October 28, 2010)

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