An inarticulate discussion of the arts

Something has really been pissing me off lately and, since I’m not one to pussyfoot, I’m just going to come right out and say it: I’m sick and tired of our goddamn government funding the goddamn arts!

Every year, the Canadian government spends (insert amount that I’m far too lazy to look up) on the arts.

Everyone knows that the arts are fucking useless and have never done any good for anyone. No one ever thinks to themselves, “OK, I have $150 to feed my family for the next month. I think I’ll buy… some art.”

The only reason the arts ever needed funding in the first place is because artists are so poor due to the fact that they don’t produce anything useful. Who the hell would want a painting of a naked old woman when they could have an Xbox 360 or a riding lawnmower?

As a society, we should band together and demand that our elected officials redirect all funding for the arts to areas of society that are actually useful, like towards butchers and bakers and those people who make candles.

These people are the ones who actually make our society work, not the goddamn whiny artists who can’t afford to feed themselves because all they do all day is sit around in their underwear and paint with their goddamn fingers!

I think the best argument against funding for the arts comes from my own life. If, in the face of reason and logic you still believe in funding for the arts, you certainly won’t after you read this: I receive a government grant to write this article.

That’s right, your hard-earned tax dollars are funding assholes like me who have nothing to do but write shitty articles complaining about arts funding.

So, in a sense, even if you agree with government funding of the arts, you should actually disagree with it because the government is essentially paying me right now to complain about how they are paying me right now.

Does your brain hurt yet? Mine does.

It might be the contradiction that I just presented. Also, it might be the fact that I completely forgot to write my column this week, and only realized my mistake after getting sloppy drunk.

On a somewhat related topic, if mimes really are caught in invisible boxes that no one else can see, why the hell aren’t they screaming for their goddamn lives?

If I was caught in a box, I’d be screaming bloody murder. That’s why I don’t trust mimes.

Furthermore, mimes are considered artists (for lack of a better term), and are therefore funded by our government.

I don’t want to live in a country that funds mimes. Do you?

J. Williamez reads the Winnipeg Sun for tips on the art of argumentation.

Published in Volume 65, Number 12 of The Uniter (November 18, 2010)

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