A solution so obvious, it hurts

Here on planet Earth, we are facing an energy crisis the likes of which no human culture has ever seen, and barely anyone is talking about it.

Every minute of every day we’re becoming more dependent on a resource that is not only finite, but that is running out fast. Oil production in many countries including Canada and the United States has been on the decline since the 1970s.

Despite this, however, we are speeding head-on into a greater dependency on oil than ever before. Pretty much every aspect of modern life is completely dependent on a cheap supply of crude oil.

In the next hundred years, if we humans want to keep leading the same lifestyle we enjoy today, we are going to have to find another energy source to replace the almost 90,000,000 barrels of oil we use every day worldwide.

Now don’t get me wrong; I don’t mean to come across as some whiny hippie. I also don’t mean to offend any of you whiny leftist University of Winnipeg hippies, either.

I just wanted to present the problem that the world is facing so I could tell you all about the elegant solution I’ve devised, which will help us solve not only our current oil crisis, but world hunger as well!

Oil production ruins entire landscapes and pollutes the environment, but child-fuel production clears away the clutter to allow rich kids to frolic and play more easily

The idea is so simple that I kicked myself for not thinking of it sooner. In fact, educators have been pitching it for years. Ask any teacher and he or she will tell you that the greatest resource in any country is its children.

This may seem extreme, but hear me out. I’m not suggesting that we harm any children. I’m only suggesting that we grind children into a combustible pulp that we could use to fuel our factories and vehicles.

I’m certainly not suggesting that we grind up all of our children into fuel. Only enough of them to fill 90,000,000 barrels a day.

What’s more, I should point out here that in no way am I suggesting that we ever stoop so low as to use rich children for fuel - only poor ones.

I know that sort of goes without saying, but I wanted to be clear.

As a fuel source, children are far superior to fossil fuels in many ways. For example, drilling for oil is dangerous and messy. Drilling for children, on the other hand, while sometimes messy, is a lot of fun and people do it all the time.

Oil production ruins entire landscapes and pollutes the environment, but child-fuel production clears away the clutter to allow rich kids to frolic and play more easily.

Finally, and most importantly, world hunger can be completely eliminated by using this new-found resource for food instead of fuel.

Instead of trying to feed all the hungry mouths, why not feed some of the hungry mouths to the other hungry mouths?

J. Williamez was going to call this article A Modest Proposal, but found out that title has already been taken.

Published in Volume 65, Number 20 of The Uniter (February 24, 2011)

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