Unless you’ve used this page to wrap fish and you’re reading this column off the side of a delicious halibut, you’ve probably noticed by now that the theme of this week’s Uniter is environmentalism. I’ve decided to stick with this theme and write to you all today about some very simple things we can do to live a more environmentally-friendly life.

1. Be Friendly

The first and, frankly, the easiest thing we can all do to be more friendly to the environment is to stop sending it mixed messages. One minute, we’re all singing in Al Gore’s choir about how much we love the environment. The next, we’re building houses and shelters to shield us from it. What kind of signal are we sending the environment? It certainly doesn’t sound that environmentally friendly to me.

In order to prove to the environment that we really do want to be friendly, we need to invite it over for beer and pizza, or help it move or something like that.

2. Be a Hippie

As much as it pains me to say this, one of the very best things you can do for the environment is to be a hippie. The amount of water saved by one hippie not showering for only one year is enough to fill a small Manitoban lake. The water saved could then be used to bathe one hippie for almost an entire year. Hippies also help reduce vehicle emissions by not having cars, or jobs to drive to.

3. Use a Condom

The vast majority of industrial pollution comes from human beings. (The notable exception, of course, being the pollution created every year by the ever-growing army of robots we don’t yet know about.)

It stands to reason, then, that if human beings are responsible for the vast majority of recent damage to the Earth’s environment, anything that prevents humans from happening is environmentally friendly.

Don’t misunderstand; I’m not advocating murder here. That was last week’s column. I’m just talking about well-planned prevention and maybe the occasional abortion. With the right attitude, we can work together to make the world a better, less populated place.

4. Lobby to Ban Underground Tree Fights

Underground tree fighting is responsible for the deaths of more trees than all clear-cutting combined. Every year millions of innocent trees are forced to fight one another to the death, in community centres and abandoned lots all around North America. The trees are placed in makeshift rings and given knives and chains and made to fight until one of the trees kills the other one. People at these fights commonly make bets on the fights, or come to buy cheap lumber. To help stop these fights, please contact your local Member of Parliament.

5. Don’t Read Newspapers

The second biggest killer of trees in North America, indeed throughout the world, is the cutting down of trees to make enough paper to print daily or weekly newspapers. So if you’re reading this paper, you are in fact responsible for the destruction of the Earth.

Don’t feel bad, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

As a local musician, J. Williamez doesn’t make enough money to be environmentally unfriendly.