If you are alive, like many others, you are probably well aware that the world is shit and life sucks ass.
As we all know, thanks to John Cusack, the world is going to end on Dec. 21, 2012 and there’s nothing any of us can do about it.
In this godless and valueless cesspool we call modern society, it is sometimes difficult to avoid certain temptations. These include drinking to excess, performing lewd acts of pure indecency with a watermelon and a pair of leather pants, or even to taking a penny from the little tray when you don’t really need it.
A few weeks ago, my Internet and cable service provider stopped calling me and it really freaked me out.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I’ve come to two very earth-shattering conclusions.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about ways to make extra money and I’ve come up with an ingenious plan.
Unless you’ve used this page to wrap fish and you’re reading this column off the side of a delicious halibut, you’ve probably noticed by now that the theme of this week’s Uniter is environmentalism. I’ve decided to stick with this theme and write to you all today about some very simple things we can do to live a more environmentally-friendly life.
Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to properly protect myself from evildoers, and I realized that some time in the last few years, I’ve changed my mind completely on an important issue: gun control.
Hey gang! I hope you all had a great holiday. I sure did!
I spent the week after Christmas in Mexico with my girlfriend and her family. The weather was really great and we all had tonnes of fun.
Lately, there has been a lot of advice bandied about regarding the best way to survive a zombie attack. I’m not against having a little fun, but I’m getting really sick of all this zombie-related advice.
For some reason, I’ve been getting a lot of e-mails recently, all asking me the same question.
Superstar comedian Dane Cook performed in our fair city this past week. Unfortunately for me, I did not get the chance to go.
Someone once said: “All I really need to know, I learned in kindergarten.” This week, I’d like to talk about why whoever said that is an idiot.
So here we are. It’s November already and another Halloween has come and gone. It’s always a sad time of year for me, because the Halloween is by far my favourite holiday. This is for a number of reasons.
This week, I’m going to focus on something that I consider to be extremely good: Public transportation. Before all you stinky hippies get excited and break out the celebratory granola, bongs and hacky sacks, I should probably explain why I think public transportation is so good.
Hey gang, it’s me. I’m back for another week, to the dismay of some of you, as I recently found out.
Something’s been bothering me lately and I’m just gonna come right out and tell you what that is. Why don’t people have rumbles anymore?
There is a popular expression about the virtue of staying busy: “Idle hands are the devil’s tools.” I think that’s it. It also may be: “Idle fingers are the devil’s dildos.” I’m not sure. Either way however, the meaning is the same. It is sinful to be slothful.
Sometimes I get the feeling that we place too much importance on our own survival. I’m not speaking about the survival of our species here, just about the survival of individual members of our species.
Hi kids! It’s me, J.Williamez, with another installment of your favourite weekly column written by a douche with a mullet and a handlebar moustache!